This Dear Annie article is a sad one. I wrote this journal entry at the very end of my senior year of high school. It’s safe to say that I had a horrible end to senior year that left me pretty broken. My high school’s tradition was a senior class trip to Disney World, and it is the highlight of many alumni’s experiences. However, my experience was tainted by the events described in this journal entry, and they have been foundational in shaping who I am today — I encourage you to read on whether that was for better or worse. I wrote so many journal entries about this in the weeks following, and reading my raw reaction in this journal entry has renewed my sadness that I experienced back in 2016. I just haven’t thought about it much since it happened. It’s one of those things that I would rather forget forever. As traumatizing as this event was and still is to me, I have found that the very few times that I did share this story in college, I was met with amazing support and found new beginnings. So, I am hopeful that sharing my story officially will not only give me some closure, but also can be a source of comfort to others who have also experienced betrayal.
In reference to the term “Sodality” that I used in this entry, Sodality was an after school club that met once a week on Monday’s. Each group formed in the middle of freshmen year and met every week until the end of senior year. Objectively, it was a lovely way of building relationships and having a constant throughout high school. As I did in my last post, I have edited all names except my own for privacy purposes, and I have stayed true to all spelling and grammar from the original text. However, I have abbreviated the text so as to not make the entry too long while also maintaining the main story and message.
April 25, 2016.
There will be many days in your life that open you up by a sharp blade and leave a prominent scar. Not every day is like that, but today has cut me open like a knife straight through me and will most definitely leave a scar.
Today, my friends inadvertently labeled me as dispensible. A couple weeks ago, I asked if they would like to have lunch at a place called Raglan Road in Downtown Disney the first day we will have arrive, Thursday, May 5th. The general response was maybe and suddenly [Angie] started throwing out names of other restaurants and ultimately decided she’d not accept my invitation to Raglan Road and go to Portebellos. Without telling me clearly in person, she went behind my back & made reservations at this … place. But I talked to her today & ultimately, she wasn’t the worst of them.
The other friends who either said no or probably/maybe all were given tickets to Animal Kingdom for that same day. So I was really hurt by that because a) They sprang at a better offer & no real friend would that b) [Paul] didn’t even think of giving a ticket to me & c) NO ONE TOLD ME. And the last is the worst of all. I only found out because I heard [Briel] say something about it to [Samantha], and I forced her to tell me about it in Sodality...
… I literally broke down crying in Sodality & it took 10 minutes for at least [Briel] to notice & finally, [Katie Smith], who I’ve had so many problems with, had to be the one to comfort me. And the rest of them just sat far away from me talking amongst themselves not giving 2 shits about leaving me out of plans for our senior trip. It took me bawling my eyes out to at least get [Briel] to make a Raglan Road reservation but she still wants to go to Animal Kingdom which will be absolutely impossible. And [Marybeth] is at least on my side now but she wouldn’t have even known if I hadn’t broken down. And I get it, we don’t all have to hang out with our room for 24 hours of the day. I just wish anyone had told me. And, yeah, they can blame [Paul] to a certain extent, but I’m far more hurt by [Briel], [Elaine], & [Samantha] than [Paul].
And that is why I will be scarred forever.
It takes years for me to build up faith in a friend. Years. And suddenly I thought all was well & BAM they dispose of me like an empty cup. How can I trust anything they say now? I want to,, but now I can’t because they apparently don’t want me. Here I am … last month of school losing all trust in everyone I had ever trusted was my genuine friend. How could a real friend leave me in the dark like that? How is that okay? How am I supposed to trust? … I’m not the friend that makes you choose, but honestly that doesn’t mean I should be like a lifeless rag doll. So maybe I’ll choose for myself. No more fakery and no more Mrs. Nice Guy. I can’t be so optimistic all the time anymore because if my supposedly closest friends can stab me in the back, then what’s to stop a greatest enemy? I can’t even differentiate whether they are friends or enemies anymore.
I’m done being thrown around. Whatever I want to do, I’m doing for myself, NOT others. I need a break from ignoring my own needs in order to make other people happy.
Dear Annie,
Girls can be so damn mean. Betrayal hurts like a bitch. I still feel your hurt to this day. I hate the way that those girls treated you, and I hate that they took advantage of you. They scarred the way in which you trust forever. It is so scary to be vulnerable and to open up to people. Making friends in middle school and high school is still one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I remember how hard it was to never fit in. The other kids make fun of you when they think you can’t hear them (Or worse, they do it to your face…). It’s like you can’t even do anything without being scrutinized for what you do in class, what you like to do for fun, what you believe, when you stand your ground. High school straight up is a jungle. And then, finally! You find a nice group of girls who seem like they have no way to harm you and seem to have your back. You’re friends throughout middle school and high school. Hell, you even transferred out of a different high school to be with them. You stay friends for years. You make a ton of fun memories. And then shit hits the fan.
The first thing that you should know is that you should never, ever, EVER demand or even expect an apology from anyone — especially these girls. People like that will never be truly sorry, and even though you 100% deserve an apology, they are not worth your time, they will never admit they were wrong, and even if they did, an apology is not going to fix everything. They clearly were not sorry that they got those tickets to Animal Kingdom, so whatever they say to you will either be a lie, an action forced by their mothers, or a pity party for you — even more likely, all three at once. You are worth so much more than these girls. Looking back, these girls were actually horrible friends to you even before all of this happened. They never cared, and they never showed up. However, it is not your fault that you didn’t see this coming. You give people the benefit of the doubt. You put your faith in people. You see the best in people. That is just who you are. You’re a giver. You’re a good friend.
You are so many things, and dispensable is not one of them. You have people counting on you. Looking back, this here is rock bottom. Luckily, the only way to go from here is up.
Dear Annie: Girls can be so damn mean
In this moment now, I remember feeling like such a fraud. Showing up to school transformed from an enthusiastic event to a series of torturous tasks, constantly dreading the next burden ahead. I felt so broken, so unworthy. My reality had been shaken. Those last few weeks of high school were an absolute nightmare.
But you know what? Yes, those last few weeks are going to be hard. But just remember, you didn’t get to where you are because of your “friends.” You got here by just being you. You are a senior mentor for a homeroom of thirty freshmen. You are a daughter. You are sister. You are so many things, and dispensable is not one of them. You have people counting on you. Looking back, this here is rock bottom. Luckily, the only way to go from here is up. Senioritis is going to go into maximum overdrive, so start looking ahead. You already know what’s behind you. There’s nothing left for you here in high school. Look forward to your new life in college because — spoiler alert / cliche alert — the next four years are going to be the best four years of your life.
Looking back, this period of time was foundational to how successful your college career will become. Because you had seen the worst of what high school had to offer, you will be more optimistic than ever about college. You spent the entirety of your senior year excited for Disney, but it was really just a coverup for your anticipation toward starting college. I remember being so damn scared when I moved into my freshman dorm, but I had an open mind and no expectations because I figured, “Well, anything is better than that abomination.” More importantly, I became cautious — almost overly cautious — around people. When I first met my best friend from college, she literally thought I hated her because of how long I kept my distance. This was because the voice in my head kept telling me that I could allow myself to be a friend to all yet trust very few. Obviously, this was extreme, but luckily this friend stuck around. In some ways, this extreme attitude toward making new friends protected me from the “fakeness” that many freshmen experience. I quickly found solid people who I could count on because they were the ones who stuck by me after the frivolous characters ran off to more exciting things. The real ones showed up. They challenged me to get out of my comfort zone. I promise you that you will learn a new way to trust again. And this time it will be for real. This is the adult world, girl. In the words of Monica Gellar, “Welcome to the real world. It sucks. You’re gonna love it.”
At this point, the only thing left to do in high school is to enjoy Disney as much as you can. In the sea of people in Disney World, it will be easier than ever to avoid those girls. The senior trip may not be much of a sugar coat, but it remains a sugar coat nonetheless. It’s the freakin’ happiest place on earth!
Congrats, grad. You made it. Get ready for the ride of your life (And I don’t mean Space Mountain!).
Love,
Annie
October 14, 2020
Not Really A Writer 